Okay, can I let you in on a little secret?
It’s okay to say no.
Oh, I know, it doesn’t feel okay but it is. Not only is it okay, but it may actually be better and healthier than always saying yes.
It appears to me that my generation has begun to equate “busyness” with identity. I am in no way criticizing a good work ethic, but it seems to me that picture of “busy as bees” has become so distorted. We are so consumed with our need of approval that we abdicate our identity (who we really are) for a false self which is solely based on what we do–purpose. There is a perverse pride of busyness, and it is further exalted as we draw more attention to ourselves with the “poor me” complaints of just how busy we are. It’s the darndest thing. We create this environment that is fairly toxic to the soul, brag about it, and suffer–willingly. We have accepted that this is the way of life.
I will admit that there are busy times in life. There are weeks that have extra issues to deal with because of projects, illness, crisis, and need. I’m not talking about that. I am talking about a lifestyle choice that is over-committed; the choice to willingly step in to every opportunity that comes before you–good and bad.
I actually think “busyness” has become a drug of choice for many. It is addictive in nature. You can get pretty good at holding the crazy altogether and your body adapts and adjusts. When things clear out your brain speaks relief, but there is a strange emptiness that is uncomfortable with rest, so we busy up again.
I learned a while ago as I watched my family, that busyness is dangerous. Busyness is what keeps us blind of what is happening to the soul. It’s true for me and it’s true for my kids. I remember the chaos of trying to balance ministry, work, and family. In our house, ministry and work overlap and it can be hard to draw a line. When the kids were little we wanted them to enjoy opportunities to grow and develop–and justified the commitments with the belief that it is better for them to have something structured to occupy them than to be home and idle.
I began a campaign to control the calendar. I bought the lie that we could fit it all in if we just organized and planned better. I quickly learned that “busy” was unreasonable. But we were on this crazy wild ride and I couldn’t find my way off. So I endured and suffered in stupid resignation.
About four years ago I decided I’d had enough. I couldn’t get the rest of my family to agree, but I was done with the crazy. I realized that I can’t control what my family wants to do, even when it affects me. But I can make better choices for me.
I sat down one afternoon with the calendar and carefully marked every commitment of every family member. I just sat there trying to absorb it. As I mentally worked in our work hours, school hours, ministry commitments and the extra-curricula’s, I realized that we were maxed out. I knew that if we were going to come through that season well, that “no” had to become a part of my vocabulary.
It was not a popular sentiment. I remember telling a friend that I would not be available to attend a “fun” night she was trying to organize. I had just gone through the calendar and as she was trying to quarry the gang about possible dates I simply said: “Don’t wait on me. We have a tremendously busy schedule for the next two months. I will not be available to come to a movie night.” She struggled with that and questioned me about our schedule.
That whole experience was eye-opening for me because I realized that although drawing a line was the right thing to do, it was hard. I had to battle feelings of resentment because, in that moment, I realized that the “concern” of my friend wasn’t so much about us being over-committed as it was that I wasn’t as available to her. The thing is, when I ordered the calendar and drew my line in the sand I made a decision to honor God and my calling. Sometimes you have to say no to good things. Discerning what we do by measuring worth by good and bad is one way to get at it, but sometimes we have to decide between good and better.
Stepping off the crazy train is necessary but not always easy to do. I’m going to outline my journey of exiting the wild ride and embracing the freedom to say no, even when everyone around me was geared toward saying yes.
Embrace Your Identity
Understanding who I am was the starting place in this exodus. What I mean is that I had been on a journey for years about what it means when God says, “REST.” He told me to do it, but it took me years to grasp why that was important. Along the way He had to re-write the script in my head that defined my worth through my works. I am not what I do. I am beloved of God-period. My worth was determined by Christ when he took on the sin of humanity, died on the cross and then arose by the power of God, most high. My worth will never be measured by what I do. I am beloved of God and He has already declared worth over me.
The word of God tells us the story of how God pursues humanity. He created man and woman and declared them very good. And even after they gave themselves to doubt and chose sin, God still pursued them. You see, it’s not what we do that makes us attractive to Him; it’s that we belong with Him and He wants to bring that into right alignment.
So I began a journey of trying to understand and accept that. He began to reveal my heart and my personality, bringing healing, hope and strength. He helped me to embrace the beauty of who I am. I began to see, really see, that I am unique and different from those around me. That’s how God created me.
When you are clear about who you are in Christ there is sure foundation. Identity’s foundation is trust. Start there.
Identify Your Purpose
Purpose, the “what” and “how,” is birthed from my identity as beloved of God. When my eyes are fixed on the LORD, I am positioned to receive all that HE has promised for me. What I do must flow out of that. Everything I do needs to find its life flow from the filling of God’s love for me. Therefore, my purpose is always about the impartation of what God has done in me.
He gives. I receive. I release…
.
“So Jesus explained,
“I tell you the truth, the Son can do nothing by himself.
He does only what he sees the Father doing.
Whatever the Father does, the Son also does.”
John 5:19 (NLT)
My purpose becomes declarative in nature.
That sounds fulfilling doesn’t it?
When we allow purpose to define us “no”, is never an option. “No” can’t work because all the endless activity is about striving to prove worth. But that is not how God designed us. He made us to walk in the fullness of the privilege that comes from being HIS. He knows our limitations and understands our weakness but that’s not a problem for him. He knows that when we align our hearts with his, that agreement gives him the permission to supersize our efforts. He doesn’t violate our freedom and it breaks his heart when we chose to submit to a tyrant (Busy) that is never satisfied.
I will confess that trying to figure out what I should being doing hasn’t been easy. It’s been a long process. I believe that there are dreams that have been planted deep in me for decades, dormant, waiting for activation. There are things in me longing to be released from the grip of fear. There are things that God is revealing regarding my purpose in this day that I was not ready to hear five years ago. He has brought healing and alignment in my soul so that I am able to hear and trust. The process is hard, but I honestly believe that it is better than trying to exist in the crazy. Living out purpose as God designed it is fulfilling and good, and to be clear, it can be busy, but God always resources what he calls us to do. This is different than a lifestyle of busy striving for fulfillment. As these things come into right places, discernment has the final word on what is valuable and worthy of commitment.
Ask God First
My friend Donna, always says, “I just asked God if I should…” She is a gift and a treasure and it was in this season in particular that we talked a lot. Donna said, “Ask God…” a lot. And I caught it. That principle is very important because it is about positioning.
I remember one time as I was praying about a big decision we were making in our Church. I was worried about timing and details and there was a sense of panic building up in me. I remember the LORD telling me very clearly, in that situation, that it was His problem to solve and not mine. I stood up a little straighter and gulped as the full truth hit me. I immediately released my hold on the situation and entrusted him with it. God’s ways do not always fit with human logic and reasoning.
I began applying that principle to everything I did, timing of when to run errands to returning phone calls. When agreeing to invitations and commitments I’d ask God and then look at the calendar.
I also do this in my relationships. I know that can sound harsh, but I find there are a lot of requests and invitations to engage that masquerade as need instead of what they really are: want. Not only that, but just because there is a need doesn’t mean I am the solution. Putting to death the ego is never easy, especially when being the solution feeds the soul’s need for purpose. This speaks directly to identity issues.
You can say no, when everyone else is saying yes. It is not fatal to say no, even when you hate to disappoint. Stand in your identity and let the destiny flow out of that. Ask God to direct your steps and trust him to empower you to do whatever it is that he requires, even if it’s a no.
Busyness is the biggest distraction tactic of the enemy. The good news is that God has already won this battle through the finished work of Christ at the cross. Your identity is sealed. Your destiny is sealed. You just need to pick it up and walk in it.
And…understand that this is an ongoing discipline. I often understand truth in my head, but getting my heart to agree can take a little more work. I’m thankful for grace which affords me hope as I grow.