I surrender, Lord. 

I give you everything, my heart and soul and anything else you think is necessary. I just want you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Have you ever prayed that?  I have.  In fact, I’ve led my whole church in singing songs that pray this.  I have seriously, holding nothing back, laid myself bare to surrender it all: every part of me, all my dreams, and all my hopes—everything.   It’s good and it’s right.  When my eyes are completely fixed on Jesus, surrender doesn’t feel too hard.  But have you ever noticed that when you surrender “everything” it really is much easier than surrendering that one specific thing?   Surrender is the demonstration and application of trust, so if my eyes are not on Jesus it will be hard to follow through.

 

A few weeks back, I had a really bad day. I mean REALLY BAD.  I struggled ALL day to hold it together.  My mind battled assaulting thoughts and scenarios of our new normal.  As I wrestled, I came to this place of believing that knowing the details of what’s coming is not always good.  In fact, in some cases, not knowing, is God’s mercy.  That is the whole point of every word the LORD speaks regarding worry, because worry robs your day of peace.  But I struggled to hold my ground with this truth as I listened to the grim reality of statistics and case history regarding treatment this particular of bone cancer.  My husband was recently diagnosed with a disease that sometimes feels bigger than life itself and we thought we were doing okay, managing really,  until we met with another specialist who gave us a good dose of reality—at least reality from his expert position.

 

When we crawled into bed that night and turned out the lights, a dam burst and everything I’d fought so hard to hold in place ruptured.  It’s what happens when the sacred things in our lives get attacked.  It’s a confrontation that challenges every part of who you are.

 

Deep guttural sobs, rapid heart rate and my voice breaking through audibly reminding myself to breathe.  Breathe. Face it head on. Breathe.  Somewhere in the midst of eruption I heard this voice screaming in my head, “This isn’t what I meant!”

 

 

 

 

“All to you, I surrender…all my dreams, all of me…”

 

 

 

 

 

Here’s the thing…I do mean it. 

 

I meant every word of it when I said it even before I knew all the details and I mean it now.  But saying it is easy, living it is hard.  The enemy will come and attack because it is his mandate and mission to take as many people down with him as he can.

 

I am currently reading “Daily in His Presence,” by Andrew Murray and the reading on April, 2^nd brought me to Abraham.

 

“The LORD appeared to him and said,

‘I am God Almighty; walk before me and be blameless. 

I will confirm my covenant between me and you,

and you will greatly increase your numbers.”

(Gen. 17:1-2)

 

Abraham is one of my favorites to read.  He is a great example of how trust gives way to faith. Abraham made a covenant with the LORD and from that day forward, chose to trust even when the fulfillment of promises required a long wait.

 

I used to wonder about that long wait.  I mean, why? Why did Abraham and Sarah have to wait so long for Isaac? And it never seemed fair that Abraham was asked to sacrifice the very gift God promised and gave.  I know. I know how it plays out.  I’ve heard the party line on the subject: It was about appropriating the gift to its right place.  God needed to know that Abraham was still willing to put God on the throne, even if the cost was the gift (Isaac). But somehow that doesn’t quite fit.  It doesn’t feel right or consistent with who God is, because God is all-knowing.

 

There are details that are hard to reconcile when I look at the details of this story but don’t include nature of who God is.  The raw facts of this part of the story are that God and Abraham had an agreement, they had a covenant. Abraham was to walk before the LORD and be blameless.  God would increase his number–fulfill his deepest desire for a son.  When we boil it all down to that it still feels harsh, but there is such an important lesson to extract from this testimony.  And when you take into account the whole story, every detail, and the character of God, all the waiting makes complete and perfect sense.

 

 

“…God led Abraham step by step until his faith was

strong enough for him to offer Isaac. 

After forty years, Abraham was willing to do that which was

seemingly contrary to all God’s promises.”

(Andrew Murray, Daily in His Presence)

 

Hmmm….there is something about practicing trust in the walking and waiting that converts to blamelessness.  Trust is actively choosing to believe God is who he says he is.  If we don’t have that settled in our hearts then I’m not sure we are strong enough to steward the gift.

 

Because, did you know?

It is actually our job to steward the gift.  God gave Abraham a special gift: as son.  Isaac was the fulfillment of Abraham and Sarah’s dream of having a family, but Isaac was God’s fulfillment of something much bigger.  Isaac carried the seed of future generations and eventually the promise to all of humanity in the birth of Christ.  See, much, much bigger than their little desire to produce a child together.

 

Abraham loved Isaac, as well he should, but the covenant must be kept clean and pure.  I believe that God knew Abraham’s heart.  I’m not convinced he needed to create a test to make sure Abraham would keep his promise.  But the enemy came close and did what he does: he attacked the sacred.  He took something precious that God gave to Abraham and worked to distort and pervert it.

 

I really believe that God asked Abraham to surrender Isaac so that Abraham could play a part in saving him. Let me explain. I doubt that Isaac was in danger of harm at the hand of God, but the enemy was gaining ground, so God invited Abraham to surrender the gift back so that He could do what Abraham could not. And the only reason He did that is because He knew that Abraham trusted him because they had already settled that in the years of waiting.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sometimes we grab a hold of dreams

and the very gifts God has bestowed upon us and elevate them to high places—places they have no business holding.

This is the picture of enemy distortion.  There is nothing wrong with loving the gift, it’s how we love that must be guarded.  When we set the gifts up in the high places, we actually set ourselves and the gift up for attack.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Surrender becomes the only way back into right places.

 

 

 

 

 

 

There is a certain rhythm and flow in the way we walk in trust.  God is good and He really does love to lavish his children with every good thing.  So we must first be willing to trust and wait. It’s in the trusting and waiting that knowing happens, and as much as I hate to admit it, it’s a process that can’t be rushed.  Abraham and Sarah waited forty years to see the fulfillment of a promise.

 

 

 

 

 

Are you willing to trust?

 

 

 

 

 

The next part of the rhythm is kind of like catch and release. We receive the gift and then we release the gift—I really think that is how it’s supposed to be. We must be careful with attachment or else these precious gifts become idols.

 

So I receive my full and then I surrender, emptying myself out before him.  And then, he fills me again so I can pour myself out again, repeating the cycle over and over and over.  This filling and spilling is amazing but oh so hard.

 

 

 

 

 

 

So, in the dark,

amidst the eruption,

a confession and then a realization,

a nod, an agreement, a letting go…

a long slow release as He takes a hold of my sacred

and I grab a hold of him.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Lord,

 I will surrender because I trust you. 

I set my eyes on you and remember who you are even when the enemy attacks my sacred.

I live in this moment believing you.

 Here is my heart, raw and tender and perhaps a little bit broken, but it’s all yours.

I’m tentative but resolved because I do know that your heart is FOR me.

So I offer back the precious gift, releasing my grip. 

And every tear, every sob, every gasping breath

is the tangible physical release of my sacred back into your powerful hands.

 

 

 

 

 

(Deep Sigh) Surrender…