I’m sitting here tonight with Mads, our little She-poo.

She is curled up in a ball as close to me as she can get. She is stressed right out because we (and by we, I mean our contractor friend and plumber friend) are in the middle of renovating our basement into a nice usable family space.  Maddie is pretty skittish so all the activity has got her all riled up. Not gonna lie…sometimes I can totally relate.

 

We moved into this lovely 1940’s era home almost two years ago. It has some great character, which by the way is always code for “quirky!”   We love old things.  We love the history and workmanship of old homes, old furniture and old things in general.  We love to re-purpose and restore—I’m sure it’s in our DNA.

 

Renovations always sound like the BEST idea ever until you are in them and then you sober up real fast. Renovating is hard work.  It’s messy and chaotic no matter how hard you work to keep it clean and orderly. Every part of the process is unpredictable and it is costly—there is always a price to pay.  But after all the drywall dust settles and the paint dries there is new room where the old one stood, ready to take on new life.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I’ve been thinking a lot about my own life and how God is renovating me.

The demo part is a furious unraveling of all things familiar and real.  It feels like that moment you crest the top of the track of a roller-coaster as it barrels down at unrelenting and unrepentant speed, confirming your complete and utter lack of control—as if you had any to begin with.  I know there are people who love that feeling, but really, context is everything.  In every renovation, demo is part of the process.  Ugh.  No one wants to be gutted, certainly not me, but there are things that are rotten and destructive and simply don’t function well that must come out.

 

2013 began in a most peculiar manner.

When I consider New Year’s Eve I think about all things new.  It’s a fresh start, a clean slate if you will.  But as 2012 came to a close, making its way into the New Year, I found myself sinking into a pretty dark place.  There was no trauma and no extenuating circumstances that could explain this malaise, it was just a reality that all of a sudden I found myself navigating.

 

One cold January morning as I prayed I cried out to the LORD, begging for mercy and deliverance.  I felt tired and overwhelmed and covered in such a deep sadness that was too heavy to bear.  As I prayed I heard His voice speak softly to my spirit, reminding me that I had asked for this.  What? Are you kidding me?  But then I remembered, I had been praying for more of Him even if it meant I needed to be made over. I actually said that, “Whatever it takes, Lord, make me over and make me new.”  I sat up a little straighter as I let it all sink in.  On that January morning a shift occurred as I began to look at things differently. I began to press in and trust because that’s all I could do. In that place there was nothing I could do to deal with the heaviness that sat on my chest.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Then wonder of wonders, I began to notice a change. It wasn’t long and the heaviness began to lift.  Things didn’t feel so dark or hard anymore and with each week I began to feel a little more courageous and stronger, even ready (gasp) to resume those radical prayers of, “Do whatever you want, Lord. Have you way…”

 

I use to hate the not knowing, not seeing, because logical and strategic planning can’t be managed without that information, or so I thought.   Through my experience in 2013 the LORD lead me in embracing the dark and unknown through crazy trust

 

Unraveling is a painful process, because it confronts every thought and belief through to the core.  But, it is in this very process that the LORD is able to rewire and rework thoughts and beliefs so that they align with truth instead of lies which undermine and challenge identity.

 

The lies we grab a hold of and affirm become who we are and ultimately a prison. This is how the enemy works.  These lies become embedded in our souls until we can no longer discern what’s true and what’s not.  These lies and fractured truths become shackles that hold us down and make no mistake about it none of us is immune to falling prey to this deceitful process.

 

Lies are subtle and sometimes just little distortions of truth. Hearing the lie isn’t the problem, it’s agreeing with it that opens the door and invites more of the same. Lies are like yeast they move in and take over making our souls a prison, and with our permission.

 

I’m so thankful for Christ and the cross.

I’m thankful for the saving power of grace and love which sets me free because I believe and align my heart with it. 

I’m thankful for scripture where the LORD meets me and speaks truth, tutoring me in what it looks, feels, and smells like, so I can stand against the lies.

 

 

  “…and because you belong to him,

the power of the life-giving spirit

has freed you from the power of sin that leads to death.”

(Rom. 8:2, NLT)

 

 

 

I believe that in God’s mercy, He began the process of teaching me how to trust Him on deeper levels for the things happening in me and through me and even around, things I felt but couldn’t find words for. I’m thankful that he met with me in these weird circumstances, allowing those particular realities to confront my heart and faith.  It was such a strange time, but it became this sacred invitation to come closer.  As I look back I can see His mercy and compassion in using this time to re-work me and shore up my foundations. Yes, I’m thankful, because I had no idea what was coming and all the foreknowledge in the world wouldn’t have prepared my heart for what came next.

 

On January 1, 2014 my father passed away suddenly and completely unexpectedly. 

I found myself greeting the New Year in a similar manner as 2013, only much more intensified.  Grief was compounded with physical illness.  I literally disciplined myself to meet with the LORD because I just didn’t feel anything. I showed up. That was my act of worship…to simple show up and be there. I had no energy to contribute anything more, so I waited and I prayed…and I waited some more..

 

In the spring of that same year we bought a new home. 

This is the home we had been praying about for six years.  SIX YEARS!

 

Life events began to happen in rapid fire rates.  I began a new job, which required a new rhythm of living at home—transitions within transitions.  We led a team to Guatemala in July, we traveled up to Canada to visit family in August, and as school started we opened our spare room to young recovering drug addict who was pregnant and trying to get her life on track. She lived with us for about six weeks, moving out just in time for us to head back down to Guatemala for a second ministry trip in less than three months—yep, rapid fire.  I wrapped up 2014 tired.

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Through all of that there was a lot of stripping, ripping and gutting. There were some great days with brilliant moments, but there were a lot of rough days. All of them together provided the framework for a process—a challenging but much-needed process of learning peace. As I practiced the presence of the LORD, I intentionally worked at learning the discipline of keeping my eyes fixed on Jesus, which is paramount because He is the only thing that makes sense in the middle of it all.

 

The renovation of the heart begins when we ask for it. 

He doesn’t do a thing without our permission.  That’s grace and freedom. That’s his perfect gift.Great and mighty God, sovereign King of all, the One, who is all-powerful, waits for us to say yes. He is perfect and knows all, sees all, and understands the very best way to get at it

 

What if we surrendered our need to know all the details?

What if we looked at the face of God instead?

What if we choose to rehearse the truths and promises instead of the lies?

What if we just wait and believe?

What if we just settle in beneath the shadows of His wings and let him do the work?

What about that?

 

That’s what the renovation does…it gives you the opportunity to walk into it and practice all these things.  It gives you the place to work it out.  It is the vehicle of process.